As I entered the last highway, for just a minute or so, I noticed all the brake lights. As I moved further in, now another flashing sign that there was a crash ahead, and the first two lanes were blocked. I assumed that meant the HOV lane, plus one lane of traffic, but that ended up being completely wrong. Traffic then came to a complete stop, and five lanes of traffic were now merging to three, then two, then slowly one, as the flares had been moved out to take over almost the entire highway.
I started counting police cruisers as I approached. I counted 12 by the time I had passed the accident. Twelve. This after seeing the fire truck leave, which meant the ambulances had already left as well.
Every time I come up to an accident, I just start praying. It obviously can't hurt, and since I'm a victim of a highway crash with a drunk driver, and suffered massive injuries, it hits home. So there I go, my heart sinking as I'm trying to squeeze into tiny spaces and merge into the furthest lanes of traffic. The police cruises, the lights, the flares, and as I approached, huge pieces of a vehicle scattered across the lanes of traffic along the highway.
I remember one of my friends telling me she felt guilty as she had been stuck in traffic on the highway for 2 hours, only to find out it was me that was in the accident. I'll never forget her telling me that, and I feel that way every time I pass an accident. "What if this is someone I know? What's going to happen to them? I can wait."
I knew as soon as I passed this one police cruiser that I was going to see at least one car and as I did my heart almost skipped a beat. This car wasn't the same color, shape or model. It wasn't anyone I know of, but the damage to the car looked so familiar to mine that I just couldn't help but stare. I had several instant flashbacks, and could feel the fear rising up in me again.
There were two cars, one almost facing the correct direction, and the other spun a complete 180. One car with the front end smashed in, and the other with the back end smashed in. It was obviously not a wrong way driver situation, but it left me wondering the reason and circumstances behind the crash. The only difference between the damage in our cars, was that mine ended up in more pieces, as they have to cut the roof off.
I have no idea what happened to these people, and if they're okay, but I can tell you that my mind was reeling. I was having flashbacks all over the place. I felt this weight in my chest, and this fear as I continued to drive home after passing the scene.
I felt myself wondering if they were alive, would they stay alive, would their family and/or friends get that dreaded call in the middle of the night (literally) telling them their loved one was in the hospital, and they needed to come down. Or worse, that their loved one was dead - killed in a car crash on the highway at 3:30 in the morning. What were the circumstances? Was it road rage, drunk driving, a car suddenly stopped, and the car behind them didn't see? Why did this happen? Were these people okay? If they were alive, what were they feeling? That panic, complete disorientation, complete lack of control over their body, mind and what they were going through. So many thoughts and feelings rushing through my mind as I finished my drive home.
It is a blessing and a curse to have been so mentally aware while in and out of consciousness. I remember very detailed moments, and then don't remember entire sections of time. I remember the questions I was asked, and how I was answering them all right away, with precise detail and without faltering in my voice. I knew every detail, down to the exact location of my cell phone in my messenger bag. I could answer questions, but I had no idea what was going on, or how badly I was injured. All I knew was I couldn't see, couldn't stay awake, and had to feel my way to the signature line of the airlift approval for my transfer to downtown Philadelphia. Again, very detailed memories, mixed in with not remembering most of what happened.
And these are all the things I was thinking about as I finished the rest of the 20 minute drive home. My 35 minute drive home turned into almost an hour. My sleep turning from 8 hours to probably almost zero. Here I am writing this at 4:45 in the morning, and I'm just praying I don't have nightmares. I'm trying to drown out my thoughts, by playing something on the tv while I sleep. I'm hoping this will drown out what are some of the worst memories I have, and a reminder of that this morning.
I pray for these people in these two mangled black cars. Whoever they are, they are being prayed for tonight (this morning) as I try to fall asleep. My heart goes out to them and their families for what they have, and will go through. Hopefully it's not as bad as it looked, and they will all go home to recovery with only minor injuries. But we don't get to control the outcome of ours and other's choices. It's not something within our control.
Thank you for reading, and I hope to share more about this incredible journey I've been on these last 13 years.
Blessings,
Marci
